Taming the lion in him (Married women only)

By treating her husband like a king, she became a queen who God used to win him to Jesus Christ.  1 Peter 3:1-2  Do you want to be treated like a queen?  Act like one by treating him like a king!  Respond to him with dignity befitting a queen.  When a woman, confident in her beauty and value in Christ, treats a man with reverence, he will be honored, he will be rightly proud of his wife's beauty, her dignity and poise, and the Lord will work on him because He has the clearance to do so.  Don't muddy the waters by trying to intervene and create static.  He needs to hear Holy Spirit clearly for himself.  When the object of his desire gives him a clear view of God's transformation in her, he will be able to see through it to the God who does change hearts and lives.

So, let us consider the difficulties of living with a man.  Where have you responded in a way that added kindling to the wrong fire in him?  

I would encourage you first to consider any area of your relationship that you feel resistance.  Lay that before your High King, and ask Him for direction.  Do not resist your husband in any area, but wait for God to move him if that be His desire.  Do you think God is incapable?  The one who can move mountains, heal the sick, raise a man from the dead, and created the very earth you walk on?  Step back, and let Him!!  A man will resist with all his might those who come against him.  Don't be the woman who comes against her own man!  Check into this natural provision of him protecting you as you become one with him.  Do not stand in opposition to the one you are to be united with!  

I spent too much of my married life in conflict with my husband.  Though it did not look the same as what I grew up with, I was not seeking unity, I had let the Spirit of division in.  I thought I was supposed to change him, that he was supposed to long to be better because of me, and since I didn't "see that," I needed to "encourage" that.  When, in fact, I was tearing him down and causing him to resist me, and any change even God may have desired.  Don't get in the way of God.  He knows how He created man, and yours too, and has a purpose that you probably cannot even imagine.  Step back and let the Master form him, and your marriage.  Reading all the marriage books without submission to Heavenly Father will only further frustrate you.  Align yourself with Him.

"While we women tend to reduce everything to the issues of "who is right and what is just," God authoritatively points us tot he real issue-- "whom did I place in charge, and whom did I create to be a help meet?:  When a woman resists or tries to change a man, she makes him more stubborn, and her own heart will be filled with bitterness.  If a woman obeys God, a man does not have anything to come against, to resist, to dominate, to conquer or to beat down.  A woman's greatest power is in obeying God through obeying and honoring her husband.  When she departs from God's order, she is setting herself up to create a life of turmoil, bitterness, and defeat-- for both of them." (Debi Pearl, Helpmeet)

No man is righteous, neither a woman.  You cannot become his conscience and make your marriage beautiful by trying to "reform" him.  But God is a master at making heavenly marriages, starting with a submitted wife.

The following is for a married or of age woman only, and is only for the married woman to act upon:

What about that husband who seems to have such a hot temper?  He seems to react with such sudden anger that perhaps you have wondered if he is bi-polar.  (My mom would often say my dad's anger was like a mad-liquored man, yet he didn't drink.)  These men will "explode" over a testy lawnmower, faulty appliance, or a child talking too much.  Consider this:  they have a very important hormone called testosterone shooting through their system, which, when unregulated will tip over in negative aggression.  It is in fact created for positive affection, muscular growth, and the drive that will protect and provide for you and his family.  This can be better regulated by you-his help meet: Be there to satisfy his sexual desires at least 3 times a week.  Engage with him, let him know you desire him, as this is the will of God according to Genesis, "And her desire will be for her husband."  

Though your desire for him may not always be sexual (your hormonal cycle is 25-30 days whereas his is 24-48 hrs), it is important for him to have that release to be able to see the rest of your needs more clearly.  Imagine his tank is at busting: how is he to see any other need when his own is overwhelming?  He probably cannot even identify this need, especially if it is not regularly met: he's just irritable.  This is not a selfish choice of his, it is a drive that actually is there to make you and him one.  You are a blessing to him, and his desire to protect and provide for you will grow.  This is your secret power and responsibility: to entice him and confirm his manliness, and honor God's banner over your unity: for only in a marriage is this a sacred act.  If you are struggling to submit to him in this way, pray about it, and pray that God will make it enjoyable for you.  Entice him, and allow him to respond, then become playful, and see what will come.  Also, remember, or let me introduce you to a secret:  If you will mount him after, while he is still hard (though it is not necessary for him to remain hard), you can have the ride that will take you over the top.  This will be gratifying to him too- to know that he was able to send you there.  

Now the younger ladies, who are learning, can return to this conversation:

The way that we as wives respond to our husbands is the fuel that will make our own lives better (or bitter) and provide an opportunity for our husbands to respond to God.  Do not compete with Holy Spirit in convicting your man of his sin!  Show him that you will be there for him through... even... always, and you will find no regret when Holy Spirit shows him the Way.

The wisest way, in fact, to respond to the irritable and aggressive husband, is by not taking personal offense.  Avoid provoking him or adding this kind of fuel to the flame. Instead, provoke him to love and good works.  If he is hot with anger, give him time to cool down: most men do not want to "talk about it", and it would be better for you not to push him to, nor to "talk about it" when it comes to your own points of frustration.  Go to Heavenly Father with your complaints. He saw it all, and will likely even give you insights on the situation- whatever it may have been (even outside of your marriage occurrences that you might otherwise you think you need to come home and share with your husband.)  Remember, to go to the Lord with prayer, petitions and praises.  Do not forget the praises.  And for yourself and your husband, dwell on those things that are good, right and pure.  When he is upset, respond impersonally to it (not nonchalantly, as if you do not care either), recognizing that you don't need to exacerbate the problem.  

What about the anger that is more personal?  It is caused by bitterness, jadedness, dwelling on the faults and failures of others, judging, pride, and self-promotion.  As previously mentioned, your personal responsibility is to go to Heavenly Father with your complaints, not your husband.  Do not plant this seed in him.  It is most often the wives that bring this atmosphere into their home, playing a broken violin until everyone in their home is screaming-mad.  There is no gain in self-pitying expressions of the world around us.  This will not stroke the passion in your husband to protect you, it will just make him a mad man.  It is not that you need to hide it if you feel threatened by something in your world, but consider if you are actually in danger before you go complaining to your husband.  

"It is common for wives to be the cause of their husband's bitter anger."  They talk and talk about some problem in the family, community or the church until their husband finally gets stirred up and becomes very angry with them.  To the normal, talkative wife, it was just something to discuss, but suddenly the man becomes angry, and the whole thing gets out of hand and scary." (Helpmeet pg 238) Would you consider that your words are stoking the fires of his wrath?  If your husband is quick to take offense at his neighbors, coworkers, or people at church, or if he assumes everyone is out to get him or they are talking bad about him, then he has an anger that is rooted in bitterness, jadedness, a deadly perspective.  Before you go labeling him any kind of psychological disorder, consider your part in the problem.  He may have  dragged this stinking skunk from his family of origin, but you can still take the stink out with your own chaste words: not of correction, but of healing.  You can help your husband think clearly, but your first step is to catch yourself if you are adding to that aroma and atmosphere. 

If you cannot recount your own fault in this, but think that it is only your husbands own frustration, and you are also meeting his inner and bubbling need to release himself, than ask yourself what your response is to him and others.  Speak well of him first: to him, in his presence to others, and when he isn't around.  Share any compliments you hear from others, first telling him how wonderful you think he is.  If you do comment on someone else, make sure it is followed up with an encouragement of how great you think he is, so that he's not left to wonder if he is lacking and you're actually slighting him.  Never leave him to wonder if he's pleasing you in any area of life.  Always dwell on what is pleasing.  You may be thinking, "but what about me?"  Firstly, if you are pleasing God, as a wife, you will eventually hear it from him.  Notice, though, that his guard will begin to come down, and you will begin to enjoy more time together.  That "silent -unless- angry" man will begin to converse with you, maybe even dream with you.  Watch the desert bloom.

Another thing to be wary of, and this is another confession of mine that I was reminded of just a few days ago: don't compare him to his father or yours, especially in faults.  This is a huge danger.  He needs to be allowed to develop into his own man, and honor his dad.  Hear him out if he has hurts from his past, but don't fuel it, or point out that "he's just like his dad" in some negative way.  Further, don't hold onto hurts from your dad.  You are safe in God's arms, and He has given you a new head.  When you compare him out loud to your dad, there are so many questions for him, that he may never ask, because he never experienced your dad the way you did.  This will confuse him in how he needs to treat you and may make him feel paralyzed.  If he is triggering you by something as simple as an "exasperated breath", ask God to help you not be so on-edge.  Ask him if he needs any help, and don't take it personally.  He's breathing through whatever his frustration is, he's not lashing out at you!

I'd like to say this as I encourage you, from my own experience, and other's: God's Word first- lay down your own arms: 

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about (and speak about) such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you."

 Do not allow your mind to meditate on the evil of others: not only will you become downcast, but you are likely to become the evil you hate.  1 Corinthians 13:5 "Love thinketh no evil" (KJV), or "is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs"(NLT).  You must think and practice what you want to become in the most beautiful and radiant wife inside and out if you want to be treated as his queen.  

Practice bouncing those negative thoughts, "devil get behind me!"  Don't think critical and judgmental thoughts about others, and never speak derogatory about others in your husbands's presence.  In fact, in anyone's presence; don't even speak aloud your negative thoughts, rebuke them!  Speaking aloud negativity just brings more and gives Satan power to divide.  Instead, speak well of others, even if it's a small thing, before the good thing happens, or simply because they are God's child, even if they don't recognize him yet!  "Yet," such a good word:  If you think you can't.... well, "yet.!"  You can!  Practice, and you will!  You want peace and joy in your home?  Bring it!  Bring it in, it is within you because you have Holy Spirit.  Start bearing the fruit!

We as wives often think Holy Spirit is working through us to correct our husbands, to be "iron sharpening iron", but man he's so dull.... If you're feeling this way, ask Holy Spirit to help you see your husband the way God does.  To step back and "let him" become the man he's supposed to be as you serve him "as unto the Lord," in every way.