Sharing my real life struggles

 This is where the rubber meets the road... or where the talk is tested in the walk.  We are in another season of trials and testing: and miracles.  The reason I wrote this blog to book is to increase my faith, to find what God says in the midst.  And now my faith will be tested yet again.  This is how faith grows, is manifested in a believer's life, and I'm getting on that incredible ride.  A journey that will lead me to God's throneroom, again and again.  I need Him, I can't do this on my own.

So, we'll start with 3 weeks back:  

We took in Chris's mom for the week leading up to Thanksgiving, something we had been talking about doing but couldn't really do until we moved into this bigger home.  It was a really good experience, we enjoyed the time with her, she was very gracious, and until the last day her dimentia didn't seem to be much of a thing.  On the last day she couldn't get up from where we found her on the floor in her bedroom, and later couldn't get out of the chair on her own.  Once she was up she could walk around.  So we're trying to come up with some ideas on what we need in our home to accommodate her, and also figure out what will help her not become incapacitated in her normal setting.  I'm concerned for Mom.

Within the week of our return from dropping off Mom, I and all the kids but Jaxon got conjunctivitis.  We pushed through it and stayed on schedule with our school work.  Then midweek, the primary family vehicle breaks down.  Chris tries to repair it- a fuel misfire or something like that, an issue that happened 4 or so years ago, so he was familiar with it.  No go this time though, and after hours of working out in the freezing cold weather he comes in.  The next week he is home with conjunctivitis.... basically congestion, sinus, the usual that gets him down and he won't go to work with. I appreciate every moment with him, but it always unsettles me when he's sick or hurt.

I am now driving Chris's vehicle, another one we've had in mind to replace, and I have a small collision.  I am able to drive away, as was the other lady, but it's another thing....  I must make the insurance call and our vehicle has another reminder that we need a new one, and the things of this earth are temporary.  Thank God we have our insurance to cover the other lady's car.  I call Chris to tell him, when he's already down with sickness, and he receives it without an inclination of frustration towards me.  

We are without a family vehicle, that all 6 of us can fit in, let alone accommodate 7 when Chris's mom is here.  It's freezing cold outside, Chris will need to return to work and I maintain the kids' schedule of school, homeschool activities, doctor appointments and therapies.  Chris does have a motorcycle, but not the vehicle in this weather, and with a goal of getting back to health and staying that way, I was praying for God's intervention.  After reaching out to our church family, an incredible friend who has been keeping an eye on us, steps up and offers us his back-up vehicle.  Wow, what an incredible blessing.  So Chris can go to work, I can get Jaxon to school, and we can make our appointments.  This is how God works.  Thank you God for a generous soul.  

So now we're functioning again with 2 cars, thanking God, but neither have enough seats for our whole family.  We're looking for 2 new (to us) vehicles, with the money in hand that we received from the Big Ladies' Club offering.  We've been prayerfully giving and sowing as we've felt called to, and now we're asking God, "show us what you can do, what all those promises look like in our family." 

We feel like we're going through a season of scarcity, yet we're trying to stay focused on our blessings.  We are so thankful to be in this wonderful new home, and yet I still feel insecure as we do not yet have a renter in the old one.  We need that source of income.  And we need to start investing and seeing some return.  We've been making fires in the house to keep warm, though that doesn't always amount to much warmth, but we're thankful.  Some days the fire doesn't want to start for wet wood; the other day I caved and turned the heat on after an especially fussy morning with Elizabeth- I needed it.

So how are the kids?  Well, the big kids are amazing and helpful, and hitting the teenage stage.  I am so thankful for the laughter in our home, even when I don't understand their jokes.  They are trying to understand the season we're in, believing for blessing, living in belief, and not fully seeing it yet.  The little ones are oblivious to this season, and Jaxon has many wishes on his Christmas list, including a new big truck for our family and a four wheeler for him- which is way out of our budget.  Becoming a family of 6 within a year, on the same salary we had as a family of 4 (considering inflation as well), has been an adjustment in our finances, as well as blending our personalities.  We are so thankful for our littles, but to paint a picture of heaven on earth would be misleading.  We knew we were taking many "risks" in fostering and adopting, and chose to trust God for what we didn't know. 

What we didn't know, beyond trying to calculate the financial cost of adoption (versus the cost of fostering), was what raising theses kids would look like, how it would impact us all, and what changes our family would need to embrace.

When we "got" Jaxon placed with us, he was a quiet and seemingly obedient 2 & 1/2 year old, who had been in the system for 9 months.  We aren't privy to the background of the case, but usually, little by little it becomes known to us through court and the convictions that hold the parents back from reunification.  He was staying with an "aunt" most of the time, but the parents had visits as they requested as it wasn't a legal arrangement.   The aunt was deemed unfit to care for Jaxon, and we were excited to take the little guy in.  

By the end of his case, we knew that both of his parents were long time users of anything they could get their hands on from Alcohol to Meth and Heroine, were convicted sellers, and had criminal records.  I knew that alcohol and drugs were no good, from my DARE class back in high school, but I didn't study the long term affects of fetal exposure.  We've put in hundreds of hours of training over the last 8 years of fostering, have hosted a couple dozen kids in our home, and experienced lots of behaviors.  We didn't connect what they were exposed to in-utero to the behaviors... we were trained to respond to most of their behaviors as trauma responses to experiences as young children and because they were in a stranger's home. 

As we stepped up to fully accept Jaxon, realizing that meant we were taking in a part of his biological family, we came with anticipation and surrender.  At this point, after about 9 months living with us, Jaxon was a very talkative 3 year old, who was starting to exercise his will and test us.  I figured this was mostly normal for his age, and any questions I posted to the doctor about supporting needs over the next 2 years, were dismissed.  Even for a child that seemed to be struggling with food insecurities, and showed signs of other needs that could fall under ADHD or Autism, with a background of drug exposure in utero; there was no support offered.

While we were in the adoption process (Jaxon being 3), we find out that we are going to be blessed with his baby sibling, who turned out to be Elizabeth.  We were so excited, as this was just as we had believed God had told us it would be.  Wow, how He answers prayers and fulfills promises.  So when Elizabeth was released from the hospital, we were excited to bring her home, despite the nurses warnings that she was an incredibly fussy and inconsolable baby.  "The most difficult" in the rather large NICU of near 50 babies.  I thank God for Aliya and Nathaniel, who would take her while she screamed and sit down to read their assignments.  Yes, she had some lungs on her, and she could have every need met and still scream.  She did not shake, she didn't have any of the "telltale addiction" symptoms, but to me, there were signs:  The screaming, constipation, her rapid weight gain despite not being over-fed, and her seeming disinterest in her caretakers as the months went on.  Physically she was also falling behind: She continued to sleep like a newborn through month 9, and though she had muscle, she wasn't tolerating tummy time or attempting to roll.

During the first 7 months of her life, we also had a one year old and a 13 year old that we were fostering, both of whom required a lot of attention.  I was going to the school for the teenager's academic assessments, which had never been addressed: though she was in 7th grade, she was testing at a 2nd grade level.  She started off gaining friends at the school, but that soon turned and I was getting phone calls for social disturbances and fights.  Her family background was pretty scary, and we only wanted to help her, so I poured in to her while our new baby screamed, my big kids learned parenting, and we tried to keep the one year old who was in the hair pulling and hitting stage from the baby and Jaxon.

We went from 8 down to 6 in November last year, and have since focused on the family God had knit.  At 9 months we got physical-occupational therapy for Elizabeth, and that was really helpful.  She started rolling, then crawling, and by 14 months she was walking.  She loved the independence, and it really seemed to make her a happier baby.  Never one for rocking or cuddling with us, and having spent so much time sleeping, we began working with her on 6 month milestones:  exploring our faces and cooing. It always struck me as odd that she wouldn't find comfort when picked up and that holding her close didn't console her as much as just putting her in her bed.  Without these early social explorations, she would have delayed speech.  Now, at 20 months, we're still working with eye contact, gestures, and social interactions.  We are delighted when we get her to laugh, and she is delighted when she sees our excitement.  She's starting to use some sign language (thanks especially to Aliya's work) and every now and then she seems to say a word that would be appropriate.  We celebrate every victory in our home.

Jaxon, although it might be considered "normal" by some, is competing for attention.  He is the "typical 5 year old," vying for power and looking for where he can get a win.  Having gone from a "mute" and complying 3 year old, to the talkative (and loud- they both are) and demanding (tantrum-throwing) little person he is now, I am grappling for new parenting tools.  Is it normal and he just needs structure and discipline?  Is it extra, due to the trauma of his past: possible neglect, food insecurities (which can even include in the womb), and abuse?  Is it due to the in-utero drug exposure he had?  How do I form him without causing more trauma?  How do I do this and strive for keeping the calm in our home?  Nathaniel, always sensitive to children getting into trouble, goes from helping him, to getting literally punched by him, and can't justify the loving relationship he wants with him.  

Upon further research, I find answers- answers that point to a long road ahead: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.  Is this really what I signed up for?  The same struggles we had with the teenager is likely to be the trajectory of Jaxon and Elizabeth.  Children of fetal alcohol and drug exposure struggle in school and socially, and later on in life....  There's a "spectrum" of disorders, which come with behaviors and disabilities, and what we're seeing is the beginning.  They will need lots more therapy then I had thought, and we'll need lots of emotional support: well it takes miracles and a village.  I said yes.  Okay, here I am.  But the rest of my family- my husband and kids, they didn't know what they were getting in to... well neither did I.  God chose us.  This is what makes us stronger; and more reliant on the Lord.  This is also where we will see miracles.  When the test, history, science, and psychology say one thing, and God changes everything for His glory, we are all blessed.  That's what I'm believing for, and it's going to take my "all in."  It's going to take us committing to never giving up on each other, and asking for help, yet not looking to our left and right, but looking up.

So this is what I'm believing for:  

• Holy Spirit's presence in our home through the holidays as we host Chris's mom for another week, and host all of our family on different days.
• Jesus' blood that washes us, redeems us, restores us, heals us, and binds us.
•  so that we can not only maintain what we have, but continue to be generous givers, and grow in our giving.  
• 2 new vehicles, amounting over $50,000, of which we have half.
• a family who will appreciate and respect the house we are renting out.
• discernment and direction for parenting 2 kids with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and 2 who are gifted (which comes with it's own challenges in schooling and behaviors).  Each one is created by God for a purpose, and I am blessed to be their mom.  Having the 2 extremes can be challenging, even as one extreme poses a challenge.
• joy in our home that transcends whatever comes, because that was our word 2 years ago, and we still need more of God.
• grace, because we all need it, and to overflow it to each other.
• for Chris and I to grow closer together and communicate better through all of this (because we each have our own challenges and behaviors): finding a rhythm of loving each other and worshiping God.

Lord, change me, so that I am changing the atmosphere for healing in our home.  Equip me with the tools I need to teach, nurture, and raise all of these kids in a different way.  Bring a fresh fire into our family, and in my relationship with Chris.  I know you brought us together for this, and you gave me a good man.  I believe You will bring the answers for our kids, and You will give Chris and I discernment and connection to do this together.  Lord, especially continue to work in us, for where we go they will go.  We know you have us all in Your hands, and none of this is unseen or unknown by You.  Help us to trust and continue to say "yes" to You.  I am excited for Your answers, You are a good God.  You have always taken care of us, and I believe You always will.