Speaking victory

 So, as a wife, can I make a difference?  I've heard the adage, "you make me want to be a better man," and yet never felt like that's what I was doing with mine.  Honestly, I often looked at my kids and thought, "I'm not really helping them become much better, either!"  So how do we "make someone" want to be better?  If it's not pointing out their faults, it must be encouraging their good traits and their potential.  What if you feel like you're doing that, and yet he's still lacking in authority, doesn't engage with his children, keeps others at a distance, and you feel like even your relationship with him is sideways?  

You think you're speaking all the right things, but... are you sympathetic?  In this day of psychological breakthroughs we are encouraged to be empathetic.  To climb in the hole and feel all the feels, validate, and console (not counsel).  I dare say there's briefly a moment for this, and barely a situation, but rather to speak life, belief, and encouragement for overcoming.

When we spend too much time validating and telling them how to get out of the pit, what they "deserve", or that they should just quit, we do the same thing we could be doing with our children:  spoiling them, and making them become entitled.  This is actually a paralyzing tactic.  Our husbands, as our children, will not become problem solvers who believe they have the capability to overcome.  They'll see the pit and walk into it.  I am always giving the analogy of mountain biking:  acknowledge the rock, rut, tree, whatever that's ahead, how to get around it, and then look beyond it.  You won't land in it.  What you focus on it what you get.  Same thing with negative statements (I'm sorry, my biggest question for God in the 10 commandments is, could you have somehow told us what to do instead of what not to do?  I think the rest of His word is the answer, though!).  If I tell my kids, "don't eat the candy," all they're going to think about is eating the candy.  Redirect, refocus, realign.  Practice it yourself, with your kids, and with your husband.

What does this look like?  When he comes home with complaints on his lips, start out with, "wow, that must be really hard (or something validating)!  But you're so (insert descriptive words of his strengths), I think you'll overcome this situation in time.  As a matter of fact, what do you think you could do to change the situation, or shift the atmosphere?  How can I help set you up for success?  What will be your sign that things have gotten better?  How do you want to celebrate?  Keep me posted on your progress, this sounds like such an interesting challenge, and I'm excited to hear how it turns out!"

How do you think that would be received?  He might be dumbfounded at first.  But then, with your follow up, he'll realize you are his greatest cheerleader.  You might find that as time goes on, your validation is actually met with a challenging, "it's not really that bad, I'm thinking about...."  Ask questions to "lead" him at times to solutions, but don't tell him what you think he should do (a great tactic of successful managers).  And be okay with him choosing anything, as long as he is looking forward.  Practice this, I will too!

Sometimes we want to assert that God gave the negative circumstance so that we would turn away from our church, the diagnosis to get someone's attention or relieve a spouse from their betrothed, the divorce so that we could get a new spouse, the choices that lead to divisions and death.  He knows, He is always there, but His desire is overcoming, unity, and life.  Yes, He will use situations to get our attention, and to turn us to His ways when we stumble.  Do not succumb to Satan's lies and desire to steal, kill and destroy.  If it looks like the door has anything close to "steal, kill, or destroy" on it, be weary that it is "the right open door!"  

I have thought that when people get a diagnosis of cancer, more often then not they quickly die.  Is it because the sympathy they give themselves and others gift to them (even doctors and nurses along with all the drugs), actually encourages them to grasp this new life that leads to death?  Is sympathy actually toxic?  What if instead we spoke victory over it?  Is that not what we are told in God's word?  He's already won every battle, we just need to stand in the position of victor while we fight.  Too often we switch sides, wondering, "am I really going to win this battle?"  Well, that's the opportunity for the devil to send his swat team in, or at least the sniper has an open shot.  Don't give the devil any shots on you, your marriage, or your husband (or your kids).  Keep fighting from a place of victory.  Victory looks like peace, confidence in the outcome that is blessed.  Though the journey may still be littered with weeds, death, or difficulties, keep your focus on the truth:  God prevails with victory.

I write this after receiving another announcement of a friend dieing from cancer.  I am not saying that his wife is at fault.  He is now with the King of Victory, and there is a time for all to die.  But we are to always speak life over our husband and children.  Is that denial of impending death?  Well, maybe it is sometimes denying Satan that right up until God has given you both a peace in a different victory that looks like His open arms to receive His child and say, "well done, good and faithful servant."  If you have any question of His "well done" for your spouse, continue to speak victory over him.