Renewing a broken man

 I have struggled for many years (I'm 45 now), with trying to understand how to be a fabulous woman for my man so that we could have a fabulous marriage.  The example I had growing up was the appearance of a good, hard working woman, and a good, hard working man, in conflict with each other and rarely showing affection.  Sometimes that conflict meant verbal or physical fighting: somehow my dad would end up with his hands on my mom.  I don't remember how that approach happened, but I do remember an antagonizing, patronizing that would come upon my mom and not end up well.  She may have been "justified", but did not deliver her concerns with a submissive spirit.  The following is not to count her sins, but to acknowledge the sins many of us have fallen into and look for God's direction.

Since I have been married to Chris, there have been times that I was so frustrated with him, that I just wanted him to get frustrated back at me to "show he cared".  He wouldn't raise his voice, say mean things, or ever raise a hand to me:  It was not apathy that kept him silent. As I continue to study God's word I am over and over amazed at how he really has grasped his role as the head, and recognizes that it is not by brute power or harsh words.  Where I thought he was weak, passive, and un-invested, it was actually with great strength in physical, mental, verbal and spiritual self control that he would let me have my moment. And then I would want him to come to me, break that barrier I had built, and comfort me... what a mess I had made.  He's had stressful and irritable moments, and still does, but I have a new understanding that I want to share with you, and I hope you have already started to grasp as you read, study God's word, and reflect. 

By treating your husband like a king, you will become a queen whom God can use to win him to Jesus Christ, if he is not a believer.  And if he is already a believer you will likely reap the rewards even faster.  How?  Review all the previous admonitions, "to be sober, to love your own husband, to love your children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to your own husband...."  what does "obedient" mean?  I saw a sign the other day warning against human trafficking, and outlining how to identify someone who might be in such a situation.  Part of the description was "overly submissive or obedient".  I think there is so much evil and twisting of what is good that we immediately relate submissive and obedient to an unbalanced relationship: an abusive, and narcissistic husband.  I hear this over and over again of good men, and often times can quickly identify a "victim" mentality in the woman that uses guilt and shame to try to manipulate her husband.    

Let's unpack this, prayerfully.  I hope that all along you have asked God to reveal His ways to you as you have done these devotionals.  Let Holy Spirit show you the way.

A man will resist with all his might those who come against him.

Read that again, and think about it.  What all does this entail and how have you attacked him or otherwise left his side as a faithful warrior wife?

Most women spend their whole married lives in conflict with their husbands, trying to change them.  Somehow (Satan?!), we become critical of them, ourselves, and those around us, and thinking we're helping them become the better we were created to help them be is our mission.  We then, instead of being his queen, engage in a battle that no woman has ever rightly won.  If you think you are getting him to submit, what you are doing is in fact breaking down the character God created in him, weakening him by your battery, and causing him to withdraw from your marriage.

I thought I was so well-versed in God's word, that I must help him see more clearly, and that by the way, and otherwise, he was a despicable character.  I mean, really, I did not say it so harshly, but it was what I was conveying:  trying to coach his conversations when we left social gatherings, picking at his physical fitness and then his workouts, comparing him to his dad, mine, and other men, and pointing out where he needed to improve.  Doubting him in a new supervisory position, because if he couldn't confront me, how was he doing it at work, and by the way, I am the one with managerial and human resources skills, so he should learn from me.  And on to parenting, though I "let him" change diapers and encouraged those baby interactions, as the kids got older I fretted that he would hurt them wrestling with them, or that they would hurt him, that his words were not just right for any given situation (encouraging or disciplining), and then appealing to him to engage more with them on both sides.

I was constantly focusing on his responses, rather than my own.  I am responsible for nurturing my kids, teaching them, encouraging them and disciplining them.  He has a part in that, but not under my rule, and it's going to look very different.  God created an order: husband, wife, children, and without the first 2 being 1 there is no completion and the result is a suffering child.  Even as I try to figure out how to raise boys, I see there is an importance beyond my focus on "raising them" that has to be on my complete honor of my husband.

Spend some time thinking of all the ways you have attempted to usurp your husband's authority, squashed his dreams and visions, and dishonored the union God had created for blessing.  Confess to your Heavenly Father, and ask Holy Spirit to move in you to change.  As you see fit, confess to your husband, but only if you are ready to change; not still hoping that he will.  Better yet, begin practicing a gentle and supportive posture with your husband.  

Here's a great exercise:  Write out those things that were harmful in one column and then what you will do instead in the other, and keep building this as you continue in this study.  You are close to the end of my book, and the beginning of a beautiful "renewed" marriage!